Our partners ,children and whoever is around us are valuable learning for us.
As parents we often say our teenagers don’t respect us enough or they take us for granted. Reflect it back on yourself. Do you treat yourself with respect or do you pick up after them , do too much for them?Do you allow them to treat you disrespectfully? Of course they take us for granted when we do that.
So often we blame our partners when actually we are not looking after nor respecting ourselves. If you feel your partner is not treating you respectfully. Reflect it back on you. Are you treating yourself respectfully? Do you stand up for your needs? Are you allowing yourself to be treated in an unwholesome manner? Are you carrying your partner too much or too forgiving of recurrent mistreatment? The only person that can ensure that we are living in an environment that is healthy for us is ourselves.
Very often what we are blaming on our partner is actually in ourselves. We project all the time. If you are saying something about your partner really check in and see if it is actually in yourself.Sometimes we might be grumpy with our partner for irrelevant issues, that always means we are struggling with something of our own. Acknowledge it and accept it then we won’t blame our loved ones for something we need to take responsibility for.
For example I often see clients for psychotherapy who say they feel unloved by their partner. When they clearly look at themselves they discover that actually they are terrible communicators , they never tell their partner what they feel often because they have learned to shut down their emotion. They never share their concerns or fears around work or the future.They never ask for a hug when they are struggling nor ask for loving attention if they feel vulnerable. How can their partner possibly love them in the way they want if they are so emotionally shut down and so unwilling to ask for what they need. Truly loneliness is our responsibility. Sure if your partner is completely unable to give, you may need to move on. However most are capable of loving they just need to be asked or at least exposed to their loved ones feelings.Once we learn to take full responsibility for our own emotional health we are much better off.
Another example may be; if we dislike our job , but are too terrified or feel too inadequate to look for another, when our partner talks about loving their job we may shut them down or be grumpy with them. This is taking our own fear and inadequacy out on our partner and is not wholesome. We have to be very vigilant at looking into ourselves and acknowledging our emotion with acceptance so that we don’t take our stuff out on our partner.
“While we blame others there is no end to the blame.” Lao Tzu
Healing occurs when we take full responsibility.